My envy is showing. It’s dangling, it’s wagging, it’s out! How did the bobblehead get loose? A co-worker showed me a brochure of a car she plans to lease in a few months and after looking at the features cars come with nowadays, my mind started with the what-ifs and my car just seemed, well inadequate.

It’s not a bad looking car, now is it? It’s 14 years young, it has 102 hand-over-mouth mumbling miles, power windows (compliments of your arm rolling them down), it goes from 0 to 60 mph in about a minute and it comes with the 4/60 AC (you roll down all fours and go 60). It doesn’t give me any major problems, I do more maintenance than repairs and it can ride on E for two days or either the low fuel light is broken.

I will admit, it’s not the fastest car on the road, in fact, my back seat driver is always asking me to please just pass one car. She likes to look at the cars behind us, that will eventually pass us, and shake her head in shame. Once I heard applause coming from the back seat and I asked what happened. She said, you passed a car. (If you see a crying 8 year old on Rt. 22 in New Jersey, she’s probably mine, just feed her and send pictures).

Anywho, I didn’t start out with this particular car, but one that looks exactly like it, except it was an automatic and had power everything and was paid for. You know what happens to a car the minute the last payment is made, the engine falls out on the highway. I had planned on driving that car to the grave but it was hit while parked on the street. Totaled.

I was in town getting my hair done and in the midst of conversation we hear this bang and crash, so we ran outside to see what happened. Somebody, just coming from the dealer with his “new to me” car hit four parked cars, mine being one of them. Side note: This is why I like going to the ‘hood to get my hair done, people just don’t hit parked cars! They take them. They don’t leave you with nothing but memories of a car you used to have.

This man lost control of the car, I still don’t know what that means…you wanted to see if the car could drive itself so you let the wheel go and when you realized it couldn’t you tried to get control of it again? I had to watch my mangled car get towed away and ended up walking home. Several weeks later I found my current car, I was able to pay cash for it and was….

Doing okay because ignorance really is bliss, until someone bursts your bubble. Some of these cars have features that would make living in them seem like a better alternative. I don’t want to know that I have the option of warming up my butt with a push of a button. Now I’m looking at dirty new car brochures and I feel like I’m cheating. I’m starting to look at other cars and fantasize about polishing someone else’s exterior. I want to experience high performance rubber on slick conditions. I’m imagining what it would be like to shift someone else’s gears and pop someone else’s hood. I’m finding it very hard to uh, what’s the word I’m looking for…….focus!

I hate that I looked at that brochure, it’s going to take me weeks to get those images out of my head. When my co-worker gets her new car, I’m not riding in it or anyone’s car that is nicer than mine, which is most of them. I don’t love what you do for me Toyota.

Okay this may not be a big deal, but for a mellow person like me, it is a nerve racking experience, I clinched muscles I haven’t used in months! Days prior, I got my oil changed, my windshield wipers replaced, I washed my car, put air in the tires, got new mats and I shined the inside vinyl to like new status.

My appointment was for 12:30 and then I remembered to check the light bulbs in the back of the car. I had someone step on the brake pedal for me while I checked the lights. Nothing. I think he was stepping on my clutch, he saw too many pedals, panicked and picked the wrong one. Scrap him. Plan B. My office building has mirrored windows, I backed my car up to the building and checked the lights in the reflection myself. All lights flashed red except for the small light inside, back window. At this point, it’s 12:10, so I raced to my favorite gas station and they looked at my face and knew I was in a hurry. Someone attended to my car immediately and I was out of there in less than 10 minutes.

I arrived within the grace period of late. I watched and waited while they “inspected” my vehicle, poking her with long, hard objects, inserting things into her gas tank, looking underneath her frame and I’m nervous as crap. I’m tight, rigid and holding my breath with anticipation.

Failing inspection is embarrassing and I take it personal.

Finally a man pulled my car to where we were joined again and my heart is pounding. By now, I’m breathing heavily as the man further attends to my car and scrapes off the old sticker. I’m waiting to see what sticker he is going to bestow on my car. My eyes are fixated on that empty space and I’m waiting to exhale or either hit him over the head with my hand bag, depending on the results. Finally he returns and pressed a passed sticker on the inside windshield of my car and asked, “Is this your car?”

I can’t speak, I’m admiring my sticker.

“Ma’am is this your car, yes or no?”

“Oh yes, yes, it’s my car!”

I feel like hugging him, but I have to stop showing my appreciation that way, after all, it’s only a car inspection. Besides, he didn’t line up the new sticker with the old sticker glue.

Have you failed inspection before and if so for what. I did one time because my windshield wiper blade was ripped.

I love to drive, but don’t tell my mom or she will have me chauffeuring her around from store to store. One thing I have noticed when on the road is that everyone always seems to be in a rush.

People are zipping in and out of lanes, cutting people off, making a right turn from the left lane all to sit at the next red light. I understand sometimes we may run late, but the funny thing about being late is YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO RUSH, YOU’RE ALREADY LATE!

When I was learning to drive my stick shift, I could not get out of first gear quick enough, people behind me had zero tolerance for even a 2 second hesitation. The minute the light turned green, they wanted me gone!

Sure, we’re supposed to live everyday as if it were our last, but can you not kill me in the process of your last day. I like breathing.

We all go a little (some a lot) over the speed limit, myself included, but there always seems to be a constant rush on the road. I don’t know, maybe it’s just us crazy New Jersey drivers.

What is the big rush?

P.S. Do Nuns get speeding ticket? (and no flying nun jokes, lol)

CAR 

My car is 13 years old and for some reason, I love revealing her age. Unlike some women, she doesn’t mind.  I enjoy not having a monthly car payment because, well do I really need to explain this one.  Who loves having a car payment?  Maybe people love their car, but I’m sure that monthly payment has to hurt.  Well not everyone is broke, just most the people I know, so lets just assume when people pay their monthly car payment that, it hurts. Okay, now that I have you smiling because of someone else’s pain, we can go back to my old gal.  I like my car because it’s paid for and not having a car payment frees up cash. If you have no payments on anything, you can build wealth quicker.  It’s nice not to have to play Russian Roulette with your bills wondering who will and who won’t get paid.

PAIN 

Anywho, I try to take good care of my car, keep up the maintenance on it.  Yesterday, however, it was brought to my attention by a co-worker that he noticed last week that my car was leaking a green fluid.  Oh no, I thought. I need that car to drive me to the grave, it can’t be leaking.  I’m nervous now and I can’t focus on my work because I’m thinking how much this is going to cost me. I’m preparing to leave for the Outer Banks and I had not planned on a car expense.I’m driving home from work, going down the mountain with my radio and air on to keep me entertained and cooled.  I notice that my air suddenly turned into heat and the thermometer in my car is going from C to H and then past H. I thought, this can’t be good, but I’m still driving because I’m not home yet. My air returns, but I’m nervous now because that little thermometer needle is on crack. It’s so confused, it doesn’t know if it wants to be on hot or cold.   I’m thinking come on, no I did not name my car Betsy) Natural City (my daughter named her that), just make it home and I promise I will get you some help, just don’t shut off on me. 

So I’m driving down hills and winding roads getting closer to home.  When I can take the car out of gear, I let it roll in neutral.  No stress on the engine.  I hate stopping at traffic lights because that’s when cars cut off, so I try to keep the car rolling.  I do stop at a few lights because there are cars in front of me, not much of a choice. I’m still scared because I’m in a place where cars stall, at traffic lights. I also need to pick up my darling daughter before 6.

She has an internal clock and knows when I’m 30 seconds late. She can’t tell time on a wrist watch that’s not digital, but she knows if I’m delayed.  Its okay because I’m not scared of her, but I don’t want to be questioned at this point, not after all this stressing wondering if I’m even going to make it home.  Let’s just count blessings daughter that you got picked up by me and not DYFS.

I’m less than a 1/4 of a mile from home and smoke is coming from underneath my hood, and guess what? I’m at a traffic light.  One lady looked at me and shook her head in  disgust, as if to say, “Would you do something about that!” I’m like shud-up, it’s paid for.Light turns green, I make a left turn, then a right and pull smokey the bandit into the driveway.

My daughter’s school is, well if I ran through my neighbors backyard, a straight shot right behind our house. I don’t do that, I use the paved sidewalk instead.I make it there with time to spare. It’s always great to see my kid. Whatever bad day I’m having is replaced by someone happy to see me.  The after school care person said she’s a well-behaved child and said she doesn’t give you any problems either. I looked at my kid for about five seconds before I answered her question because the evil her flashed before my eyes and I was going to say, well now that you mentioned it…….instead I said, no.  After all she is her mother’s child, a little me….(Side question, do you ever get mad at your kid for something and realize they are just like you?)  She’s really a great kid and doesn’t give me much trouble, but when she does it’s with a capital T, without the 12 million dollars.

So we’re home now.  I’m tired from a busy day at work and the stress of my busted car, I just want to sit down and worry some more, but I tell my kid that we do not have a pity corner in this house, so I don’t go there.  Everything will work itself out somehow. 

Oh about 15 minutes later, my toilet overflows (a moment of silence). I guess it can’t take any more of me either.  I’m looking at the water on the floor, high enough for a baby fish to swim in and I’m trying to grab my rugs, because ewww and yuck, and I’m thinking about my sneakers I have on and what trash bag they are going in.  that pity corner is looking mighty comforting right now, but since I  have to be somewhere at the top of the hour, I put down a towel I use for cleaning the fish and hamster tank on the floor and deal with it when I get back.  You don’t need to know anymore, let’s just say that I need a new pair of yellow gloves and a plunger.

TREAT 

To make a long story even longer, I’ll just keep typing. Now back to my car.  Fast forward to today, I’m tired of yesterday already. First off, I do have a great mechanic. He does things that he doesn’t have to do and he doesn’t do work that doesn’t need to be done.  He doesn’t charge me to look at my car if I think something is wrong, yes people, there are honest mechanics out there.  Don’t try to find them now, that would be like looking for Where’s Waldo, just go with recommendations from friends. AAA escorts my car to my mechanic via flat bed and a $10 fee (I’ll be calling them tomorrow) and my mom and I go for breakfast. Now I must have inhaled some of that smoke because I didn’t ask how much, I just said fix it. Granted, it has to be fixed, but I like to know what the damage might, just might, be up front.

Well I’m waiting in the service area and in walks a woman who must have some kind of foot problem because she walks as though she doesn’t have any heels on her feet, like she can only walk on her toes. She’s like the leaning Tower of Pisa, except that she’s not that tall.  She looks like she’s going to tip over any second.  She wants to tell me about the 7 grandkids she’s taking care of, the daughter in jail and her 12 yr old grandson who wants to smoke a black and mild.  I’m like I know you saw this book I’m reading, but we engage in conversation because I’m a nice person. 

Finally the Grim Reaper, at least until I find out how much it is, tells me my car is ready.  If the price is right, he can have his legal name back.  I stand there and ask for him to tell me the damage and say it slow.  He says $65.14.  I’m thinking Pesos because I know the work he did has to be more in American dollars, so what currency is he on? I’m still standing there waiting for him to give me the rest of the price. I said go slow, but don’t drag it out, this is now torture.I repeat $65.14, he smiles and says yeah. I exhale an “oh thank you”, pay the man and run out of there screaming. Oh what a treat!

this was typed w/o being read. hey i wrote it and i even used capital letters. you find the errors and let me know.

happy reading.