Why does my passport and driver’s license picture always come out like the first pancake, messed tore beat *&^%$@ up!

There must be some sadistic handbook circulating that says make ‘em ugly. Let them stand there long enough before you take the picture and wait until they have to scratch or have an involuntary muscle spasm, whichever comes first. Take the picture!

I had my passport photo taken earlier this week and I look ghastly. My glasses are crooked, my hair is flattened on one side, only one side of my mouth smiled, I look like I had a stroke!

I can just imagine that there is some wall of fame for the ugliest passport or driver’s license photo at their company picnics. Top prize goes to the institution that submits the “I’m Not Too Sexy” photograph of the year. Now when people tell me I look so familiar, I just might start getting offended.

I wonder if it’s called a passport because they look at our photo and give us a pass into the country anyway. I didn’t feel or look like road kill when I went to have my picture taken. Sorry.

Photo by FirstPancake.com

Not too many people know this about me, okay no one does, but I have my own clothing code that’s synched with my moods. I can be so quiet that people are forever trying to “read me”, by looking at my face. That’s kind of sad because I have a natural poker face, you’ll get nothing there….Most times I’m not sad, I’m just on standby, like a computer, waiting to be aroused. Until then, I’m saving energy.

Anywho, I thought I would put together these referral sheets for those who want to read me like a book (I’ll .PDF them later, you can click the pictures for a bigger view). If you want to know how I’m doing, don’t read my face, look at my outfit. Let’s look below….

If I’m wearing a suit, pant or dress, I’m feeling pretty confident this day. About what I don’t know, but I probably believe I can fly, or at least walk on water. I’m in a great mood, approachable, I’m serious but playful, I’m on top of stuff, organized and willing to help with whatever. Mood: team player.

Approachable. I’m in a great mood, more relaxed, wearing loafers and not too worried about deadlines. I probably lost a few pounds if my shirt is tucked in and my belt is tight. I’m feeling very Ann Taylorish on a Target budget. I’m flexible and ready for anything. Throw on a blazer and I’m good to go, anywhere. Mood: Pleasant.

This last outfit is what I looked like yesterday, crap. This means I am not in a good mood, the socks are a big indication that something is wrong. The high water pants mean I’ve gained a few pounds. I hate to see ankles, I love long pants. I’m probably retaining water and can no longer wear my pumps because my feet are swollen. I have on shoes that look like something Herman Munster would wear to keep from pinching my toes. I’m not interested in talking to you, helping you with anything and no matter how cute you are or how much I love you, I will bite. My hair is usually a mess too, I feel rushed and unorganized, so I throw on anything and think you should just be glad I showed up. Approach with caution until I comb my hair and put on some decent clothes! Mood: Get the heck away from me and chances are I’m hiding something behind my back to throw at someone, see above pic.

I don’t know what I’m wearing tomorrow and I know, my drawing sucks.

My envy is showing. It’s dangling, it’s wagging, it’s out! How did the bobblehead get loose? A co-worker showed me a brochure of a car she plans to lease in a few months and after looking at the features cars come with nowadays, my mind started with the what-ifs and my car just seemed, well inadequate.

It’s not a bad looking car, now is it? It’s 14 years young, it has 102 hand-over-mouth mumbling miles, power windows (compliments of your arm rolling them down), it goes from 0 to 60 mph in about a minute and it comes with the 4/60 AC (you roll down all fours and go 60). It doesn’t give me any major problems, I do more maintenance than repairs and it can ride on E for two days or either the low fuel light is broken.

I will admit, it’s not the fastest car on the road, in fact, my back seat driver is always asking me to please just pass one car. She likes to look at the cars behind us, that will eventually pass us, and shake her head in shame. Once I heard applause coming from the back seat and I asked what happened. She said, you passed a car. (If you see a crying 8 year old on Rt. 22 in New Jersey, she’s probably mine, just feed her and send pictures).

Anywho, I didn’t start out with this particular car, but one that looks exactly like it, except it was an automatic and had power everything and was paid for. You know what happens to a car the minute the last payment is made, the engine falls out on the highway. I had planned on driving that car to the grave but it was hit while parked on the street. Totaled.

I was in town getting my hair done and in the midst of conversation we hear this bang and crash, so we ran outside to see what happened. Somebody, just coming from the dealer with his “new to me” car hit four parked cars, mine being one of them. Side note: This is why I like going to the ‘hood to get my hair done, people just don’t hit parked cars! They take them. They don’t leave you with nothing but memories of a car you used to have.

This man lost control of the car, I still don’t know what that means…you wanted to see if the car could drive itself so you let the wheel go and when you realized it couldn’t you tried to get control of it again? I had to watch my mangled car get towed away and ended up walking home. Several weeks later I found my current car, I was able to pay cash for it and was….

Doing okay because ignorance really is bliss, until someone bursts your bubble. Some of these cars have features that would make living in them seem like a better alternative. I don’t want to know that I have the option of warming up my butt with a push of a button. Now I’m looking at dirty new car brochures and I feel like I’m cheating. I’m starting to look at other cars and fantasize about polishing someone else’s exterior. I want to experience high performance rubber on slick conditions. I’m imagining what it would be like to shift someone else’s gears and pop someone else’s hood. I’m finding it very hard to uh, what’s the word I’m looking for…….focus!

I hate that I looked at that brochure, it’s going to take me weeks to get those images out of my head. When my co-worker gets her new car, I’m not riding in it or anyone’s car that is nicer than mine, which is most of them. I don’t love what you do for me Toyota.

I guess I do have a lot of time on my hands. Well actually I don’t, but I found time (stayed up late) to make a little movie that shamelessly promotes my blog. If you have 2 minutes (and 53 seconds), I’d like to show it to you.

C’mon, click the button. I promise I won’t rub dirt on your carpet and then blog about the many ways I can get the stain out. Nor will this shameless blog promotion stain your clothes (I hope you don’t either), it does not contain background music (okay there’s a little at the end), but if you want to hum “We are the World” while you read it, that would not be inappropriate and best of all, it’s rated G for girl needs a life! Please dim the lights…

If I had some animation skills, I could do a better video. I might look into doing something really, really simple, like talking stick figures and hand puppets. So if one day you have nothing to post, throw this up there and join in the shameless blog promotion movement. Spread the Word!

P.S. Have you done any shameless blog promotion? What did you do?

EDIT: Same shameless blog promotion, but with music this time. Pick your pleasure, you can have it both ways. With music or without. Hey when you guys are right, you’re right. I’m shrugging my shoulders. Ahh, it was fun and shameless!

Sullicom tagged me for a meme and thanks for letting me know or this would have gone completely over my head. Anywho, here goes my Five Little Bits (About Me) Meme…

1. I thought about becoming an actress because I can cry on cue. I’m very sensitive, not to the point where I can’t be rubbed the wrong way, for how else will I be polished, but I’m an emotional being. I have been known to weep over commercials, comic strips, Little House on the Prairie, songs, TV shows, the news or anything that touches my heart. Hey, somebody has to balance the universe for those who refuse to work up an emotion. No one would ever suspect I’m a closet crier, people who don’t know me think I’m serious and strong when in reality, I’m soft and pink.

2. I had an idea for an invention that never came to fruition called Life Guard, you can read about it here. I partnered with a company who helped me market the idea from the USA to China and not one bite. Kids are still being left in the car to die. Oprah did not return my emails, but I still watch her show anyway. I was called to do several radio interviews to introduce my product to the public but ended up doing just one show. I’m still paying off the debt incurred from this “invention” and once I do, I will be debt free.

3. I have this unusual ability to make myself dream about whatever I want and to know that I’m dreaming and change the outcome if I don’t like it. It doesn’t happen on command and sometimes it takes a few days for the dream to come, other times it’s like popping in a DVD of my choice. I also use this ability to find things that I have lost by dreaming where I may have left it. It’s kind of creepy and fun at the same time and once I was able to feel touch in my dream. Can anybody else do this? In random dreams most times I’m being chased by Godzilla or some big monster destroying stuff; maybe this bothers me because he’s making a mess or I run out of fear of being eaten. I do not follow astrology nor can I dream the Mega Million numbers. Sorry.

4. As a child when mom would take us to large arenas, I would always get lost (at least that’s what mom says), but even at a young age, I had sense enough to find the lost and found, wait to be picked up and not cry about it! This happened many times and she always came back for me. Today, I have no sense of direction. If my block wasn’t square, I would get lost going around the corner. I’ve been lost so many times, the places now look familiar and I’m proud to point out: I was lost here!

5. I freaking cheated on this meme. I had to go to my ‘about me’ page on my website to find out about me. How freaking lame is that? The thing is, I don’t like talking about myself when asked, the inquiry feels like a test I’m going to fail because I don’t have the answers. I don’t like spotlight and yes, I have a website and a blog, but I never thought anyone would read it. I was just trying to find myself and always had a place to go. I’m comfortable in the back seat, in the corner or sitting next to the fly on the wall, listening. I feel it’s an overwhelming question that will be answered over time and maybe I rather not respond like I’m under the time constraints of a Final Jeopardy answer. Maybe I’m full of crap.

Thanks Sullicom for tagging me. This was a lot of fun, I told some secrets! My future ex-therapist would be so proud that I opened another window. If you’re reading this: tag, you’re it.