The Good, The Bad, The Ugly and By the Way

The Good
Good news! I finally upgraded my computer desktop and no I didn’t buy the one I really wanted, the slimline with the wireless LAN on-board, TV tuner to drool over 500g HD. I bought the one my money said I could have, the CPU that runs on hamster wheel power. Dual core? Two hamster wheels. It’s an improvement though, but next time. It should arrive on Friday. W00t!

The Bad
It comes with Windows Vista. I haven’t heard too many good things about this operating system. Most of the reviews I’ve read from users are negative, they hate it. I just hope I don’t experience any compatibility issues with my older programs, other than that, come what may. Any happy Vista users out there?

The Ugly
I’m in a bad mood this week, my sinuses have me by the nose and my neighbors won’t let me sleep. I’m not quite sure if the people renovating the house are the new neighbors or just the workers, but someone had the radio blaring all night and I couldn’t sleep.

Now, I used to sleep with the radio on so I understand rock-a-bye baby music, but this was piss the block off music and it worked. Certain noises arouse me and amazingly I can sleep through thunder, war and shootings, but drop your weapon and I’ll wake up. If you snore, my chance of smothering you with a pillow is 100%. I’m trained in CPR/AED, so I would revive you…just in the morning, after I wake up. I need quiet to sleep, so in case of disturbances, I keep several types of ear plugs in my night stand drawer.

However, two summers ago, the previous neighbors played music all the time until 2 a.m. and one night I was lying in bed plotting how to kill them. I wasn’t going to go through with it, I was just thinking about it. Really my target was to smash the radio. Instead I called the cops and a few minutes later my doorbell rings and two policemen are on my step. I thought they were supposed to protect and serve, not tattle and tell.

“Are you the one who called about the noise.” I gave them my name and address on the phone, they know I’m the one, why are you HERE. (I’m thinking you have got to be kidding me, you #@#! @$$@$, you’re going to get me killed).

“Yes it was me, don’t you hear the music. It’s the house NEXT DOOR!” Get off my step before someone sees you.

“Okay ma’am, we’ll take care of it” and then they left. What? No police protection tonight.

Fast forward, I’m a little nervous about who may be moving in next door. I’ve been enjoying the quieter summers and would hate to bother the police again. I love music, but at that hour they have to be breaking some town ordinance. Yet, I’m the one who gets a warning ticket for “recycling wrong.” Only on Hysteria Lane!

I thought about putting my speakers in the window and waking them up at 5:30 in the morning, but their music was still on. Yep, and I was late for work the next day, I overslept. Maybe I should report them to Rotten Neighbor. Hey, do you have a rotten neighbor story, something that will make my neighbors look like a convent?

By the Way

Just for once, I would actually like to get the advertised picture of food that’s on the outside of the box, inside the box. I bought a Weight Watchers snack a few weeks ago and on the outside of the box, the cake (with icing) said “buy me”, so I did. I opened it and something the length of a miniature sized 3 Musketeer falls out of the box. It was so small I was almost too ashamed to eat it. I guess I shouldn’t expect too much enjoyment and size from something that equals 1 point? I get excited when I see chocolate and snacks like that should come with a warning label: Magnified to show detail. The snack inside you could enjoy, if you don’t swallow it, will be 50% smaller. Don’t get excited!

Same thing with Burger King. The Whopper looks great on TV, all dressed up making ME crave meat, but when I got there it was a different story. My whopper looked like a Super Smash Brother with tire marks.

“Hi welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?”

“Yes, I’d like the Whopper I saw on TV last night.”

“I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

I Got the Power!

No, I’m not a super hero. Unfortunately I can’t fly like Superman, I still have to drive my car to get places. I cannot bust through walls like Kool-Aid man, I have to use the door and I can’t change my clothes faster than Wonder Woman, but 7 out of 10 times, I can change a red light to green. I’ll tell you how later, but first let me tell you about my week. Since you already know what I’m blogging about, I thought I’d give you a behind the scene of how I’m living, well partially.

So, I’m still trying to figure out what’s going on with my daughter’s stomach (btw, she came home with a new word for underwear: “tighty whities”…apparently the teacher’s aid doesn’t wear a belt and her “tighty whities” have been showing and she’s the talk of the 2nd grade)….anywho, I called the doctor’s office for an appointment and receptionist asked for the patient’s date of birth.

I said, “10-6-99″.

She said, “Is the appointment for a child?” Silence.

Now I’m looking at the receiver thinking: It’s too early for this. I wanted to say, “No, the patient is actually a leap year baby and she’s a lot older than her birth date indicates.” Yes it’s for a child! 1999, do the math or not do the math. How many of your adult friends were born 8 years ago? Instead of delivering my facetious remark I replied “Yes”.

I try not to be a smart-aleck, okay that’s not true, I try not to say everything I’m thinking but sometimes people make you. Like one morning I’m walking from the parking lot into the office building and here comes Exhibit A. I have manners so I say: “Good Morning”. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Not a word. It happens a lot and today was going to be different. I turn and say real loud: GOOD MORNING! Now I get a response and I’m back to feeling cheery again. What’s wrong with saying good morning, some people act like you stole something when…..

The only person I’m really trying to avoid right now is the PoPo (police) because my left brake light is out. Cops in my area don’t have too much to do and will pull you over in a minute for a blown out bulb, so every time I see a cop car I have a mini stroke and rethink my decision to never wear Depends. Either I try to slow down without having to press the brake pedal or I speed up to put some distance between us. I don’t know why I think the cops are after me, but if anyone is to be pulled over for something like this, it would be me. It will get taken care of soon or…..

Maybe I could just use my super powers to turn all the lights green and not have to stop at all. I’m not advocating this, it’s just something that I do and not often. I’m a trained professional driver*, so do not attempt this while driving. If you have an accident while trying to change traffic lights, I will deny knowing you and this blog three times. Seriously though, have you ever noticed that when you’re in a hurry to get somewhere, that every traffic light is red. It’s like the lights know and turn red on purpose.

For reasons I’ll explain in another post, most times I like to keep something to read with me so when I am stopped at a red light or in traffic, I can read it. I’ve noticed that every time I go to pick up a book, the red light would turn green. Even when I see a red light and think: goodie I get to read, it turns green. Call me crazy, but I think I can change lights. You can’t fake the feeling though, you have to really want to read the book, it works. I do catch a few of them, but on my daily route, not as many as I normally would. I guess you can call it positive thinking, I’m sure people who follow the law of attraction would agree with me. There is power is positive thinking and……

I used some of that power at the charity bowl early this week which was aired on TV. Nobody asked me for a press release, but we had a lot of fun. There was someone there from the NY Giants who didn’t look any bigger than the water boy and a ESPN Sportscaster who could have been a center for the NJ Nets. They raffled off signed memorabilia I thought was going to the high bowler, which happened to be me. I was all ready to put my goodies on eBay…I guess I counted my chickens before they hatched. I thought I did enough bowling to at least win a tube of Ben-Gay because I was all tuckered out and….

Just so you know, I really don’t have the power. Actually the firemen, cops and the electric company had the power last night. My neighborhood lost power 3 times while I was writing this post.

*no I’m not.

I Wish I Had Duck Feet

I have two issues I’m dealing with and I think this book might be a part of the problem and the solution.

Problem
Well this is not really a problem, but I’m starting to wonder how come every time I go to the library I find another book that reminds me of my childhood. I said it before, here, I hardly remember any childhood memories, and yet, the library seems to hold the days of my life. My mother told me we grew up poor, but I didn’t know we lived at the library, poor. Every time I find a book, it’s like one of those cryptic ink blots with a secret message inside. I can’t wait to see which book reminds me of our family photo album and the story it has to tell.

Solution
My 2nd problem, turned solution, is that above book is an unauthorized biography that just might solve my shoe problems. Previously I touched on the reasons why I Can’t Afford to Be a Woman Anymore, it’s just too darn expensive and I don’t even look all that great, I just want to look halfway decent. I can almost find pants long enough to reach past my ankles, but I have a hard time finding shoes for my size 10, sometimes 11 feet. If I do find a pair of shoes, you know they’re so close to ugly that they’re touching. Cute shoes stop at size 8.5 anything past that is just lucky.

I ordered a pair of shoes online and they arrived yesterday, the heel was a little higher than what I normally wear, but I said if they fit, I will walk on stilts! They didn’t fit because of a gap around the arch area so I exchanged them for a narrow pair. I have nothing to lose, but hope.

Now I’m looking at the title of this book thinking this little boy is on to something, maybe I should wish for me some duck feet. What did I do, I made a list of the pros vs. cons…

Pros

1. No more shopping for shoes. No more shoes period.
2. I would not have to worry about getting my feet wet in bad weather.
3. No more darn scuff marks.
4. Pedicures would be a thing of the past.
5. I would be a “shoe-in” for the olympic swim team.

Cons

1. I would get runs in all my pantyhose.
2. I would be the modern day version of Carrie (they’re all gonna laugh at you).
3. I couldn’t curl my toes.
4. I’d walk like a duck. (but at least I wouldn’t be pigeon toed)
5. I would not be permitted in to most restaurants.

….and people wonder why I wear the same shoes everyday, because they fit! Do you have a hard to buy for body part?

I’m Just Asking

I have questions, maybe you have the answer(s). If you can help me out with them, list the number question you are answering in your comment. If not, just laugh along with me. Thanks!

1. Why does it take 6 to 8 weeks to get the first copy of a magazine subscription? What are they doing weeks 1-5?

2. Is withholding information the same thing as lying? You have knowledge of something contrary to what someone believes to be true. Lying without saying a word?

3. How come when you’re driving on the street where your car belongs and you hit someone IN the street, they give YOU the breathalyzer? I’m just asking.

4. How come the plastic packaging on kid toys is adult proof? It’s like they really don’t want the kid to have the toy. Have you ever tried to open that hard plastic they ship them in? Then once you get it open they tie the little toy down to the cardboard box with a twist tie and tape just to mess with you more.

5. Why is it that we call out from work when we are not really sick, but will go to work when we are sick as a dog. Coughing on everything and everybody?

6. Why do kids want water at 3:00 in the morning? They go all day without water and just when your sleep is getting good, you hear the faint cry: “Mommy”, “Daddy”, I want some water.

7. How come people ask this question like the answer is just out there somewhere: Which came first the chicken or the egg? The chicken came first. If you believe there is a God, he created the animals first, then they reproduced. If you don’t believe there is a God, then you go on with not knowing the answer to this question.

and my last question, for now……

8. Why do crossing guards hold up traffic to allow grown, walking, adults across the street? One lady thought she was on the cat walk. I said if she pivots, I just can’t be responsible if I press on the gas. They are walking, let them wait!

Have a Happy Friday!

Mommy Needs A Drink!

I’m in a crabby mood and probably should be confined to the basement until I get over myself. These last few days have been a blur for me and the constant rushing around makes me cranky. I’m not really complaining, things need to be done, I just feel the need to always balance the universe by making sure I get my “me time”. I’ve gone way too long without it and I’m on the verge of picking fights.

Yesterday, I accompanied my nephew to DMV so he could take his road test. We stood in the “may I help you line” and I asked the lady behind the counter a question. She responded as if I were an idiot and the answer was common knowledge. After she finished, I stood there, looked at her, said thank you and left. When I got outside, I said if I have to go back in there and deal with THAT again, I’m going to act a fool.

Today my day started before sunrise and I didn’t get home until 5 p.m. I’m still tired and cranky, so I said I would drive out to Border’s bookstore, that’s about a half-hour drive on a killer highway, and treat myself to a book (Shakespeare’s Sonnets). Unfortunately, there’s a fool behind me honking his horn because I ’stopped’ to make sure I could merge with the oncoming traffic. I start to go, but now I’m mad because he’s rushing me, so I slow down and he has to go around me. He beeps his horn, I beep my horn. Then I get the bright idea to chase after him, but I’m in a 4 cylinder, stick shift. Let’s face it, I’m not catching up with nobody! I lost him. It so easy to get flared up on the road over stupid stuff, I had to laugh at myself.

The fun is not over though, somebody is pushing my buttons and loving it! I get to Border’s and I find the book I want and I’m excited. I go stand in line with my gift cards, two of them for $25. I hand them to the girl behind the counter as my method of payment. She swipes the card. Nothing. Swipes again. Nothing. She said are you buying these cards? I said, “no, redeeming”. She went to another computer and punched in some numbers. She said the cards have not been activated. I’m like what’s that, do I have to call a number and activate it (no experience with too gift cards, lol)? She said no, there’s no money on either card. My mouth….Hit. The. Floor. I said well, I don’t want to the book and I left. Cried in the car. Not really more like a moan. I’ll pay for the book if I have to.

Stunned. I get two gift cards with no money on them. When I got home, I called the 800 number on the back to check the balance and they told me the same thing. The card has not been activated. I punched in some buttons to tell the automated voice that I wanted to speak to its manager. I got a live person on the phone and she told me what I should do. I sure hope the person who gave me the gift cards still has the receipt, if not Borders beat her out of $50 bucks, maybe she’ll need a drink too.

Anywho, here’s my favorite, and comforting, Shakespeare Sonnet #29:

When, in disgrace with fortune and men’s eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess’d,
Desiring this man’s art and that man’s scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven’s gate;
For thy sweet love remember’d such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.

Shakespeare picture lifted from here.
White Russian Photo by Yummy Bartners.com