Paper or Plastic?

When the cashier at your local grocery says to you, paper or plastic they really want to know: how are you going to pay for this crap, with paper or plastic money!

Yesterday, I spent 35 minutes of my lunch hour putting groceries in my shopping cart and drooling on the box of brownies I was going to bake.

Fortunately before I put my stuff on the conveyor belt, I looked in my wallet for my debit card because I hate when people reach the cashier and act like they do not know they have to pay. You know they want your money, give it to them! Have your MOP (method of payment) ready!

Oh and don’t write a check and ask who to make it out to! You’re in Shop-Rite, take a guess. I can’t work with the public, I have a low tolerance for questions and would end up beating somebody with a loaf of bread. Okay pet peeve.

However, after realizing that I had neither paper or plastic MOP, I sheepishly spent the next 5 minutes putting some of the groceries back and left the rest in the proverbial “Isle 5.”

So, while most people were leaving with smiles and a few days worth of groceries, I left with a bottle of Tide and a box of Junior Mints. I am 37 today, what was my excuse yesterday?

Brain Damaged

I’m so [fill in the blank] at a loss for words, that I don’t know how to start this blog post. I purposely took a few days off from writing to deal with some other issues, but now when I look at my blog, I feel like a retina, slightly detached. I don’t have writer’s block, I just don’t remember how to blog. I need flash cards for bloggers.

Thinking has become an olympic sport of the mind and I’m standing on copper. I can hear myself telling my brain to move various body parts, I’m no longer two steps ahead of anything. Everything around me seems to be a concerted effort and I’m either moving in real time or slow motion.

I knew something was wrong when I got caught in the office kitchen staring at a stirrer trying to remember why I wanted it and how to use it, which could only mean one thing, I’m brain damaged. I’ve identified the damaged areas below:  

I’m doing some the weirdest stuff ever. The other day I went to get $20.00 worth of gas and the attendant only charged me $10.00. Now, I see and hear everything in slow motion so I’m sitting there watching myself act dumb and I say: You only charged me $10.00 and I got $20.00 worth of gas. I was looking at me asking myself am I really that crazy? I paid the man what he asked. This is gas!!! Step on it! I’m not that honest, I have a carousel full of office supplies at home to prove it. Mostly pens, which I will return after the ink runs out. I probably could have gotten away with it, if I wasn’t brain damaged. Instead I paid full price.

I’m forgetful too. Most days out of the week, I wear my sneakers to work and I carry my shoes in a bag for protection. Well I forgot them and thought I would be sent home to change. Well I didn’t feel like going back home and thought rolling around in the office wheel chair would be a better option. No one would have the audacity to ask why I am wearing sneakers while sitting in a wheel chair. I would be sooo excused. My other option was just to run around the office really fast. Instead, I emailed the director and got clearance to walk around in my sneakers for the day. He even offered to get my coffee and I looked at my sneakers thinking this forgetting stuff might not be so bad after all.

Further proof of brain damage is that my sensory skills were temporarily disconnected. I drunk more than a half bottle of wine because I didn’t feel intoxicated. I just thought it was a cheap bottle, but I realized when I woke up the next morning that I was just brain damaged. I felt something later.

I haven’t quite figured out what’s going on up there yet, maybe my trip to Pittsburgh this weekend will help snap me out of my walking coma. It’s nice to get away, I always feel like I’m leaving all my problems behind. I may even pretend to read a book.

Picture of brain provided by: www.unc.edu