Friends and Money
Q. What’s the quickest way to destroy a friendship?
A. Lend them money.
Okay maybe this is not true with everyone, there are some friends that we can lend money to and then there are friends that we shouldn’t lend money to, but we do anyway because: we’re friends, until they don’t pay us back.
Last week a friend of mine called, and I won’t mention any names, but their initials are Pat Johnson (ha ha, couldn’t resist, not their real name) and asked to borrow a couple thousand dollars. When I was resuscitated we continued the conversation and I said I don’t have it to lend, but I would be happy to sit down with them and help get their finances in order. I know that wasn’t the response they wanted to hear and I felt bad but trying to borrow our way out of debt just digs us into a deeper hole that’s harder to get out.
Personally, I don’t lend money. I have in the past, but IF I have it and you need it, I rather just give it to you. I can’t deal with lending someone money and then watching them not pay me back. They do and buy everything else with money and all I can think about is when are they going to pay ME back.
How would you have handled this situation? Have you ever loaned money to a friend and not been paid back? Are you still friends? Would you do it again? What about lending money to family members?
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My name is Valerie aka Natural and I will be writing about whatever is on my mind. I love teaching, dialogue, sharing and making people laugh. I never know what I'll share here but this is me, Thinking Out Loud.
I think you handled it in the best way. if you were really their friend, then you’d want to do the best thing for them, right?
there’s that quote about how teaching a man to fish would feed him for a lifetime while giving him fish just feeds him for a meal. I think that’s how this one goes.
besides, if you know lending that money would mean possible disaster for a relationship, you’re wise not to walk down that path. it creates unnecessary stress.
Hi Natural,
I think you handled this situation perfectly.
I stopped lending money to friends. I’ve been burned a few times, and realized it wasn’t worth losing a friendship over money. Too much resentment builds up when they don’t pay you back, like you said, spending money frivolously and don’t mention the money they owe you.
Barbara Swaffords last blog post..It’s All About Me, It’s All About You
I just give it and hope that they will return the favor when I need . Never happens case in point my sister..been there for some big jams for them - what can I do??not worththe worry . Just feel good that I gave.It’s usually very hard for people to ask- they are usually quite desperate at that point and worried.,.That’s what’s sad,. I’ve been there. loving the book… sk
sandys last blog post..
to answer your question about rarest flowers in the world. some are seldom seen, some for coloration , some for where they are located..sk some for differentiation of species..sk
sandys last blog post..
I just heard on the radio while driving that debt is one of the major reasons for heart attacks in America now. Think about that. This is the richest country on the planet.
Anyway, I think you handled it right. If they cannot tell you why they need money, you don’t need to lend them money. You may just have HELPED THEM BY NOT LENDING MONEY. Sorry for the caps but that is important to remember.
Natural, please visit my blog when time permits.
Shilpan
Shilpan | successsoul.coms last blog post..An Interview with Leo Babauta on Simplicity, Clarity, Happiness and Success
well, considering I never have money this is not something Ive had to deal with. But…I dont suspect its a good idea to mix money / family & friends. Thats a recipe for disaster!
When we got married, my husband and I agreed that if someone approached one of us and asked for a loan, we would say “sorry, my spouse does not agree to give out loans”. So, the spouse becomes the “bad guy”. Even if it’s a mutual friend, almost always one of us has a closer relationship to them, so it’s easier to “blame” our spouse.
We did help friends several times over the years with small amounts of money. We help people when they need it to put bread on the table or to pay bills, rather than when it’s a request to invest in a business venture of theirs (in those cases we are happy to help with our time and connections).
But we don’t loan. We give, we don’t make a big deal out of it, and we make sure they know it’s a gift rather than a loan.
Vereds last blog post..Not Sure I Am Ready To Be 37
I had a similar situation some years ago involving about $750 & my best friend. Although I was mad at him for a while when I realized I’d never see that money again, I eventually capitulated, realizing that our friendship was worth far more than $750. I’d never get into that situation w/him again, though. These days I live hundreds of miles from most of my friends, so it doesn’t come up anymore.
Lanas last blog post..Evening Hike
That’s what I’m thinking Daisy, unless I have it to give, don’t even go there.
Barbara, that’s the thing, money is not worth losing a friendship, which is why they should pay you back.
I rather give Sandy, that way there’s no hoping, you know it’s gone. If it were money I had lying around, I would, no problem, but if I need it back, then I want it back.
Shilpan, I heard the same thing this afternoon. I’ll be over to your blog later this evening. I have been reading it for sure though. Thanks for stopping by…
Meleah, you’re so smart, hiding all your millions so people won’t ask you to borrow. It can be difficult and create problems.
Vered, putting it off on the spouse always works. Small amounts, no problem…give. give. give. enjoy. Larger amounts need to be weighed.
Lana, if my BEST FRIEND loaned me money, there is not an ounce of doubt that I would pay them back. I don’t think not paying your vow should happen with your close friend, it’s unthinkable. Friendship is worth more 750$, that’s why the debt should have been honored (to me) because you are worth more….
You know I had the same experience as you did, however you handled this one really responsibly and maturely -something that I would have or should have done a long time ago. You can visit the rest of the story at this link http://majalabonque.blogspot.com to get the whole picture. But yes, I learned my lessons -in a bitter way. Thanks for the post
I think you handled it the right way. I’ve loaned money to friends expecting it to be repaid as promised………it’s just annoys me when people can call you to ask for th money but not call you to let you know you won’t be getting your money back as promised. So the bank of Lessa is closed.
Just last Sunday my sister called me on Sunday….She needed $500 to be wired to her on Monday and she would turn around and wire it back to me on Monday……..huh?????? The story was that she changed over her bank account and her husband’s check wasn’t direct deposited but mailed and they hadn’t received it yet……….huh????? I explained to her that any check return fees would be less than the cost she would incur by me wiring the money down and her wiring the money back. Needless to say I didn’t send the $500 and you know what……the world didn’t come to an end!!!
Lessa, you saw the quote on my sidebar, I thought it was timely: you can’t end poverty by lending people money. it’s true. we have to be taught or teach ourselves how to manage money or it will just continue. i’m not talking about people who really have a poverty issue, but people who make a decent amount of money but manage it poorly.
the world won’t end. teaching just lives forever.
Money is the same as any form of help. I find when I give it, the recipients usually don’t value it as highly as I do, though they’re happy to get out of their bad predicament. Same with all forms of help–volunteer work included, which I’ve done sooo much of!
But I still help and give money because the point of helping isn’t to be appreciated, but to help.
SO, my solution is giving money and not accepting payback. I do this only with close friends and kind family. It works very well. Also I am lucky to be in a position to do this.
This method is much, much easier on my stress level than loaning. And, through this method, as with loaning, the less desirable friends quickly reveal themselves, either by asking for more help way too soon or other ways.
Holly Kays last blog post..Husband’s New Project = All Weekend No Husband
That’s true too Holly Kay. It’s like when you hold a door and the person doesn’t say “thank you”. I used to get upset about that, but the reason I held the door is because that’s the kind of person I am…I don’t hold the door to get the thank you anymore, although it’s nice. Same with giving, I guess, you do it because you want to not because of what you may or may not get out of it. I agree with you, if I have it to give, I rather just give it…it does relieve you of the stress you can feel of wanting to be paid back.
I do not know how to react anyways. Beacuse I have also been needing money, and I have had some friends helped me out. If it were not for them, I would have been in deep trouble. I still have not repay a couple, but I do not hide from them either. I tell them strayup.
Pumpss last blog post..Welcome to pumpindex.com your source for Pumps
So so true. It is so hard to get money back if the person you lend it to gets into serious debt. Paying friends and family get repaid over normal creditors you can get into serious trouble with the courts in the UK.
Hi Pumps, I’m a little late on the reply, sorry. I’m not totally against helping someone with money, but my answer is likely no. If a person doesn’t treat money with respect me giving them money doesn’t help any, it treats a symptom and not the problem, especially when people go back to the same behavior. If you (not you specifically) want to learn, I’m here to teach.
Talk about Debt, it is awkward and difficult to get back lent money. If friends can’t pay creditors or their bills, their chances of paying you is about the same…nil..which is why I prefer to give it when I can.
There are some friends who honor the debt and their word and some do fall on hard times. I would evaulate everyone differently. If that person is not willing to sacrafice, why should I? Sounds mean, but we have to help ourselves first.
Thanks for the visit, will return.